12 1 / 2013

If my portraitist portrayed me one lip injection away from Angelina Jolie’s evil(er) twin, I’d subtly give him the bird too.

08 1 / 2013

In case you’ve been living under a rock (and it would have to be a pretty big one), Downton Abbey has returned! Want to know my thoughts on the two hour Season 3 premiere?

The answer is no, because by the time I’m finished it will be season 4.

So I’ll just give you the sweetened condensed version.

  • What is Laura Linney like, an honorary british person or something?
  • O’Brien’s bangs are a little more subtle this season. AND I HATE IT.
  • Do we really think Maggie Smith is having to act all that much?
  • Lady Edith is the original Jan Brady.
  • I can’t wait for Matthew or Branson to snap at Sir Anthony. ”YOU CAN’T SIT WITH US!”
  • Okay David’s Bridal. Let’s see the Downton Collection. Chop chop.
  • Thomas Barrow has to be a distant relative of Angelina Jolie.
  • I was sure Mr. Bates was going to kill his cell mate with a steak knife. Which is just proof of the long lasting and traumatic effects that Law Abiding Citizen has had on me.
  • I bet Daisy has a Live Journal. And listens to Good Charlotte.
  • WHO INVITED KACIE B? Oh. Wrong show.

So there you have it. Can’t wait for next week’s episode AKA The Lady Edith Show. Really going to run with my Jan Brady analogy. You’ve been warned. 

19 10 / 2012

The scariest thing ever just happened to us, as a country.

And no I’m not talking about the new season of American Horror Story.

I’m referencing the fact that Megan Fox is now a MOTHER.

TO A HUMAN.

Okay okay, I’m only halfway kidding! I’m sure she will be a fantastic parent. But you see, I have to assume the worst at all times, given I have my own personal vendetta against Megan/Brianna Wallace.

You know, Wallace…as in the Wallace Department Store Wallaces?

If you understood that reference please contact me directly so we can become lifelong friends.

Anyway. Only time will tell what kind of parenting skills we can expect from the Transformers star.

I can see her taking the Angelina Jolie route though. Allowing the year round wearing of Halloween costumes and never enforcing bath time.

But for now, Megan and baby Noah (who pegged her as a normal baby namer?!) are doing fine, and we can expect to see our first glimpse of the little guy soon.

Let’s hope he has his mother’s eyebrows.

12 8 / 2012

Women of the world, rejoice.

All we’ve ever wanted since the day Mr. & Mrs. Smith hit theaters, is for Jennifer Aniston to be happy. And happy she is, I would imagine—she’s newly engaged to Justin Theroux!

The two have been dating for 18 months, and Justin reportedly popped the question on Friday, his 41st Birthday!

I’ll just say what we’re all thinking here: Take that Brad Pitt.

I mean, Jen is still America’s sweetheart and she’s about to marry the man responsible for Iron Man 2. Then there’s Brad, who comes home everyday to a chronically crabby Angelina Jolie & enough children to form a football team.

What an awful existance.

I’m sorry, I’m sorry. This isn’t about Brad.

It’s about the fact that all of our wildest dreams have come true! And we get to see Jennifer Aniston in a wedding gown.

Oh and we get babies. Please say we get little Theroux babies!

They will have such great hair.

09 7 / 2012

Let me just point out that Angelina Jolie is nowhere near the set of her new movie Maleficent in this photo.

Meaning she is now completely comfortable wearing black capes in public.

Voluntarily.

In broad daylight.

Meaning that, as I have suspected for some time now, Angelina Jolie is actually a real witch.

Really didn’t want to have to say I told ya so.