05 12 / 2012

I guess we should have seen this coming.

Forensic artist (that’s a thing, did you know?) Joe Mullins has generated these images of what the royal baby may look like.

Of course at this point the child’s feet are still webbed and it doesn’t even have eyelids.

But there’s no harm in guessing, right?

Right. Just like there’s no harm in turning these little guys into 16x20 canvas paintings to go above my mantle either.

03 12 / 2012

Okay look.

Will & Kate’s royal baby annoucement has left me in cardiac arrest/tears/wet pants, so I’m really in no condition to be writing. But I figure the least I can do is compile a simple list of thoughts for us all to dwell on.

  • Obviously the most important question. Boy or girl? Is it too much to ask for twins?
  • Wait if it IS twins…who is the rightful heir? Drama.
  • There is a royal baby live blog. You need to know about this.
  • What is the likelihood of this child having red hair?
  • Jessica Simpson’s eventual pregnancy announcement is not going to matter AT ALL. (!!!)
  • That’s what happens when you make the world wait an entire human gestational period before you even confirm you’re with child. I digress.
  • Can you imagine the royal baby showers? Tea for two!
  • I wish I had an Aunt Pippa.
  • Reports say Kate is NOT going to hire a nanny. Someone come pull me out of the heap of rubble that is my shattered dreams.
  • I’ve already pre ordered one of everything from the Temperley for Two maternity line. Just for safe measure.

Alright. If you’ll excuse me I need to go change my pants.

21 9 / 2012

Oh boy. 

Im sorry. But of all the things I would never EVER trust Lindsay Lohan with, my child would probably be number one on the list.

With my car and/or any diamond jewelry coming in at a close second.

Oh boy.

Im sorry. But of all the things I would never EVER trust Lindsay Lohan with, my child would probably be number one on the list.

With my car and/or any diamond jewelry coming in at a close second.

20 9 / 2012

Maxwell, I feel bad for you. 

This really isn’t your fault. But apparently SOMEONE needs to tell you the truth,  so here goes nothin’. 

Um. How do I say this. You are not exempt from the “no white after Labor Day” rule just because you’re 4 months old. 

I mean, I didn’t expect Jessica Simpson to be the BEST mom in the world… 

But I thought she would at least cover the basics.

Maxwell, I feel bad for you.

This really isn’t your fault. But apparently SOMEONE needs to tell you the truth, so here goes nothin’.

Um. How do I say this. You are not exempt from the “no white after Labor Day” rule just because you’re 4 months old.

I mean, I didn’t expect Jessica Simpson to be the BEST mom in the world…

But I thought she would at least cover the basics.

29 8 / 2012

I feel like the world owes us Reese Witherspoon’s child.

I mean, this week alone we’ve already had to endure Snooki’s labor & delivery (caught on film, no less) AND a pregnancy announcement from Holly Madison.

And it’s only Wednesday.

That more than entitles us to some baby news we can actually revel in.

But make no mistake—even after Reese does give birth, the universe will still have some serious sucking up to do.

27 6 / 2012

Can we please talk about super momels? Yes. A super momel. Models who have produced offspring. There is a whole heaping crop of them in the spotlight right now, all claiming that “it’s easy to balance work & parenting” and they “didn’t really have to try to lose the baby weight.” All of them claim, in a resounding chorus with their angelic exotic accents, that it just “fell off.”

I’m just not buying it people. These women cannot be real. Either they are never really pregnant, and have children via surrogate, OR models were designed by European scientists who have constructed their skeletons with steel, thereby making it impossible for their bodies to change during/after pregnancy.

Those are obviously the only two options.

But I’ll play devil’s advocate and ask the question, what if these are actually real women with real pregnancies?

That would mean that these women deliver a child. And then go almost directly to the runway where they proceed to tie on a diamond encrusted bikini & I giant pair of glitter wings, then parade around for the entire world to see.

You can see why I clearly support the Euro-scientist-skeleton-of-steel theory.

Now I’ve never had a child. But I just don’t think I’d be ready for that 3 weeks after having a baby? Actually I don’t think I’d be ready for that ever. And neither would the rest of America, now that I really think about it. 

Yikes. 

Okay so what have we learned here?  The super momel is a rare creature developed by European scientists. And I will do us all a favor & stay far away from the giant glitter wings. You’re welcome.