12 1 / 2013

If my portraitist portrayed me one lip injection away from Angelina Jolie’s evil(er) twin, I’d subtly give him the bird too.

06 12 / 2012

Duchess Kate has left the building.

The hospital building, that is. She was discharged this morning around 10:45 (London time) and was then whisked away by her prince to their cottage on the grounds of Kensington Palace, where she will remain for a period of rest.

And really, apart from looking a bit pale, Kate looked no worse for wear after spending 4 days in the hospital.

I mean of course incessant vomiting agrees with her?

This marks the end of the royal bump watch for a while, as I’m assuming Kate will stay holed up for a bit of R&R. But fingers crossed that she’ll be feeling up to attending next week’s London premiere of The Hobbit!

Until then, I’m going to start forming & laminating my list of Top 10 Royal Baby Names.

Educated guesses, obviously.

05 12 / 2012

I guess we should have seen this coming.

Forensic artist (that’s a thing, did you know?) Joe Mullins has generated these images of what the royal baby may look like.

Of course at this point the child’s feet are still webbed and it doesn’t even have eyelids.

But there’s no harm in guessing, right?

Right. Just like there’s no harm in turning these little guys into 16x20 canvas paintings to go above my mantle either.

03 12 / 2012

Okay look.

Will & Kate’s royal baby annoucement has left me in cardiac arrest/tears/wet pants, so I’m really in no condition to be writing. But I figure the least I can do is compile a simple list of thoughts for us all to dwell on.

  • Obviously the most important question. Boy or girl? Is it too much to ask for twins?
  • Wait if it IS twins…who is the rightful heir? Drama.
  • There is a royal baby live blog. You need to know about this.
  • What is the likelihood of this child having red hair?
  • Jessica Simpson’s eventual pregnancy announcement is not going to matter AT ALL. (!!!)
  • That’s what happens when you make the world wait an entire human gestational period before you even confirm you’re with child. I digress.
  • Can you imagine the royal baby showers? Tea for two!
  • I wish I had an Aunt Pippa.
  • Reports say Kate is NOT going to hire a nanny. Someone come pull me out of the heap of rubble that is my shattered dreams.
  • I’ve already pre ordered one of everything from the Temperley for Two maternity line. Just for safe measure.

Alright. If you’ll excuse me I need to go change my pants.

28 11 / 2012

Well.

I was really hoping that Kate’s next major life change would have been a child.

But I’ll take fringe bangs.

I mean if you think about it they’re almost the same. Both require lots of patience & work, and most of the time they never do what you want them to.

23 10 / 2012

"I just met this girl who wore her hair in a claw clip. On purpose."

23 10 / 2012

Okay.

You guys know how I feel about Kate Middleton.

And you know how I feel about her wardrobe.

But I hope by now, you also know how I feel about floral embroidery.

It doesn’t exactly make me all warm and fuzzy inside. So obviously tonight’s Alice Temperley dress was a miss for me.

I would venture to say it was probably a miss for everyone? I can imagine even ole’ Alice herself is wishing she could take back a few stitches.

But you know what? This woman has not made a questionable fashion move in like, half a decade. Save the White After Labor Day incident during the South Pacific Tour but that was ONE TIME okay.

So if she wants to step out in a dress that looks like it came from Coldwater Creek, then that’s FINE.

Let’s just agree to collectively turn a blind eye, as a nation.

Call it a step towards world peace.

11 10 / 2012

This is my third consecutive day being forced to look at photos of Kate in a gorgeous coat.

I’m tired. I’m frustrated. I’m depressed.

At this point, I’ve eaten so much chocolate that I think I need my stomach pumped.

But I feel like Kate sensed that in me? And she has shown me mercy by wearing this black coat while leaving Loulou’s in Mayfair last night.

You see. If the coat is black, and it’s dark outside, then I can’t really see it that well.

Therefore I can’t tell how gorgeous it is or how badly I want to own it.

Which means I can kind-of-sort-of turn a blind eye, move on with my life, and get back to consuming socially acceptable amounts of chocolate.

I can already tell. Kate will make such a gracious queen.

10 10 / 2012

Another day. Another photo of Kate wearing a coat I would sell my left arm for.

Oh! What a perfect opportunity for a ”Coat of Arms” joke. Does anyone know any?

Never mind. This is no laughing matter. Know why? Because this photo makes me feel inadequate in almost every way. Specifically in the big-hair-tiny-waist-twinkling-smile department.

Never did get that one down pat.

Thankfully, I’ve found one thing in this life that will never leave me. Not even for the coat of a future Queen.

Candy Corn. I love you.

09 10 / 2012

Enough already, Kate.

WE GET IT. Your outerwear collection deserves it’s own museum exhibit.

I mean forget the Crown Jewels. I’d take this gray Reiss Angel coat over them all.

And yes that includes the Cullinan Diamond.

Oh. Um wow. I guess now that I’ve admitted to all of you that I would refuse a 530 carat diamond just to own this coat, I should go rethink some things.

But wait, wait, wait.

What if I could take HALF the diamond, and the coat?

I could deal with that.