08 4 / 2013

I wish I looked as cute doing anything as Seraphina Affleck does riding a pony.

01 1 / 2013

Kim & Kanye have announced their Kegnancy! And according to reports, the mom-to-be is only about 3 months along, which means that E! will have to wait a few more weeks until this fetus develops the fingers it will need to sign it’s contract.

And you know there will be a contract.

But in the mean time let’s think of pretentious baby names that start with K!

I’m thinking Kadillac if it’s a boy. Kristal if it’s a girl. Like the champagne.

But with a K.

Obviously.

05 12 / 2012

I guess we should have seen this coming.

Forensic artist (that’s a thing, did you know?) Joe Mullins has generated these images of what the royal baby may look like.

Of course at this point the child’s feet are still webbed and it doesn’t even have eyelids.

But there’s no harm in guessing, right?

Right. Just like there’s no harm in turning these little guys into 16x20 canvas paintings to go above my mantle either.

18 11 / 2012

As a longtime supporter of Sarah Michelle Gellar and Freddy Prinze Jr., I was obviously elated when they announced they were expecting their second child.

I followed Sarah’s pregnancy very closely, careful to never miss a day of her boho chic baby bump style.

But when I found out that they named their little one Rocky, as in Balboa/Top, I do believe I passed out? I at least know things got very, very blurry.

On the bright side, Rocky’s middle name is James. Which is kind of normal. And by normal I mean not an alternate word for sediment. So maybe things are looking up for the poor kid.

That is a very big maybe.

02 11 / 2012

This is clearly more for Sandra than it is for Louis who, per usual, looks unamused.

Louis Bullock when are you going to get it? Your Mom is America’s sweetheart. She is wearing cowhide chaps for you? You’re holding her hand/a bag full of candy?

Life is looking pretty good for you right now kid.

19 10 / 2012

The scariest thing ever just happened to us, as a country.

And no I’m not talking about the new season of American Horror Story.

I’m referencing the fact that Megan Fox is now a MOTHER.

TO A HUMAN.

Okay okay, I’m only halfway kidding! I’m sure she will be a fantastic parent. But you see, I have to assume the worst at all times, given I have my own personal vendetta against Megan/Brianna Wallace.

You know, Wallace…as in the Wallace Department Store Wallaces?

If you understood that reference please contact me directly so we can become lifelong friends.

Anyway. Only time will tell what kind of parenting skills we can expect from the Transformers star.

I can see her taking the Angelina Jolie route though. Allowing the year round wearing of Halloween costumes and never enforcing bath time.

But for now, Megan and baby Noah (who pegged her as a normal baby namer?!) are doing fine, and we can expect to see our first glimpse of the little guy soon.

Let’s hope he has his mother’s eyebrows.

27 9 / 2012

About time, lady.

I mean um…congrats! After nine painfully long years months, Reese Witherspoon has finally given birth to her 3rd child.

The Sweet Home Alabama actress and her husband, Jim Toth, welcomed little Tennessee James into the world today.

Now, as you may know. I have placed a lot of confidence in Reese’s baby naming skills. So you can imagine my surprise/horror/confusion/disgust when I first heard the little guy’s moniker.

But after a while, I’m kind of starting to come around.

I mean. At least we’ll never forget the 16th state admitted into the Union?

And really, it could be much worse. 

Lest we forget the Apple Martin debacle of ‘04.

20 9 / 2012

Maxwell, I feel bad for you. 

This really isn’t your fault. But apparently SOMEONE needs to tell you the truth,  so here goes nothin’. 

Um. How do I say this. You are not exempt from the “no white after Labor Day” rule just because you’re 4 months old. 

I mean, I didn’t expect Jessica Simpson to be the BEST mom in the world… 

But I thought she would at least cover the basics.

Maxwell, I feel bad for you.

This really isn’t your fault. But apparently SOMEONE needs to tell you the truth, so here goes nothin’.

Um. How do I say this. You are not exempt from the “no white after Labor Day” rule just because you’re 4 months old.

I mean, I didn’t expect Jessica Simpson to be the BEST mom in the world…

But I thought she would at least cover the basics.

19 9 / 2012

We already know that her hips always tell the truth, and now they’re about to get a little bit wider.

Because Shakira is pregnant ya’ll! The artist confirmed today that she and boyfriend Gerard Pique are expecting their first child together.

I just hope that baby knows how much is riding on it’s ability to belly dance.

13 9 / 2012

Wow, Reese Witherspoon. Have you still not given birth to this baby?

I mean…what are you waiting for here, the second coming?

Well whenever you do decide to finally have this child, please try not to name it Camden.

Because Kristin Cavallari already claimed that moniker last month when she welcomed her son. And then as of last night, so did Vanessa Lachey.

That’s like, wearing the same gown to LIFE LONG red carpet event. A fetal faux pas, if you will.

I would also steer clear of Cameron, just because it sounds similar. I mean, you don’t want your child to be confused with the offspring of Kristin  or Vanessa Lachey, do you?

If you’re new here, the answer is no. You really do not want that.