26 3 / 2014

Jessica Biel looks kind of like I did in high school when I would go over to my crush’s house and he’d do nothing but play video games and I’d act like I was interested. 

Except she’s on a yacht. 

In Barbados. 

And her crush isn’t playing video games he’s doing some death defying water sport. 

And her crush is Justin Timberlake. 

So basically this isn’t the same at all never mind.

Jessica Biel looks kind of like I did in high school when I would go over to my crush’s house and he’d do nothing but play video games and I’d act like I was interested.

Except she’s on a yacht.

In Barbados.

And her crush isn’t playing video games he’s doing some death defying water sport.

And her crush is Justin Timberlake.

So basically this isn’t the same at all never mind.

25 1 / 2013

Jennifer Lopez you look exactly like me trying to learn the Pythagorean theorem in 9th grade.

Minus the bronzer and mesh.

Okay there was like a little bronzer involved.

And you should know that I regularly confuse your boyfriend with Pitbull.

Good chat.

05 1 / 2013

Maybe it’s my decade long devotion to the movie Honey? Or maybe I just love a good fedora on the beach. But Jessica Alba & Cash Warren are quickly moving up on my list of favorite celebrity couples. Like way up.

I mean not Emma Stone & Andrew Garfield up. (NEVER!) But way above Katy Perry/John Mayer up.

Let’s be honest. Everyone is above Katy & John.

01 1 / 2013

Kim & Kanye have announced their Kegnancy! And according to reports, the mom-to-be is only about 3 months along, which means that E! will have to wait a few more weeks until this fetus develops the fingers it will need to sign it’s contract.

And you know there will be a contract.

But in the mean time let’s think of pretentious baby names that start with K!

I’m thinking Kadillac if it’s a boy. Kristal if it’s a girl. Like the champagne.

But with a K.

Obviously.

13 12 / 2012

This one has me confused. I mean absolutely stumped.

Is this a blossoming romance between two of the world’s most beloved pop stars?

Or is this a holiday Gap ad.

Could go either way. But I’m leaning very strongly towards the Gap ad.

02 12 / 2012

Well well well.

Look who’s adding fuel to their own fire.

Not that it needed any of course. For weeks now, all of Hollywood has been abuzz with whispers of a Harry Style/Taylor Swift romance.

And their stroll in Central Park(!!) this afternoon has turned those whispers into shouts of triumphant joy.

I have to say, I think this relationship has real potential. I expect lots of cable knit, hand holding, and some kind of acoustic duet.

But please no matching denim. (Looking at you, Justin & Britney.)

27 11 / 2012

I always thought Eva Mendes was a class act.

But dangling the most coveted man in America right in front of my face, and laughing/wearing that Max Mara coat while doing it?

Well let’s just say Eva you can forget about all those times I cried along with you during the Paris Island scene in Hitch. They mean nothing now! You hear me? NOTHING.

Class act my foot.

27 10 / 2012

In what was no doubt a huge thank you for making me endure the unthinkable Swift/Kennedy split, the celebrity couple gods have sent me this image of a hand-holding Emma Stone & Andrew Garfield, down from the heavens above.

And while I am beyond grateful for the gift, this doesn’t exactly rectify the situation.

I mean. I was already well into the process of planning Conor & Taylor’s nautical themed clam bake wedding reception.

You know really, all it would take is a photo (clarity can be discussed) of Emma with a certain precious gemstone on a certain finger on a certain left hand, and I could forget about all of this.

Just something to think about.

27 10 / 2012

Quick. What rhymes with Kennedy?

Taylor Swift and her current beau Conor Kennedy have reportedly parted ways. And if I know Taylor as well as I think I know Taylor, she’s already penning her latest break up ballad.

Do you want to know what the saddest part of this split?

I had already purchased and monogrammed a ridiculously fluffy Ralph Lauren towel set as their engagement gift.

There’s 100 bucks I will never, ever, ever be getting back.

Like, ever.

11 10 / 2012

I am so totally *thrilled you guys.

Because after over a decade of emotionally investing myself in Rory Gilmore’s love life,  it’s revealed that she ends up with Pete Campbell and NOT Dean Forester!

I mean how **great is that.

*THROWING CHAIRS AT THE WALL

**deeply depressing