14 11 / 2012

Kristen Stewart didn’t anyone tell you?

Brothel chic is out.

Unless of course you’re going to a Madonna concert.

03 11 / 2012

Kristen Stewart there is really no nice way to say this.

But maybe you should stick to never ever smiling?

Turns out chronic crabbiness is a much better look on you.

16 8 / 2012

Robert Thomas Pattinson!

(Don’t worry I did not know that off the top of my head.)

Someone should have told you to start dressing like a disheveled frat boy years ago!

Maybe it’s the backwards baseball cap/blazer combination? Or maybe it’s the I’ve got stubble because I’m still too emotionally fragile to be trusted with a razor vibe that I’m getting?

Either way. I don’t hate it.

I actually kind of love it. I mean what better way to show your ex what they’re missing than to wear a polo in public?

I am completely kidding people. Robert Pattinson and only Robert Pattinson could pull this off. Please promise me that none of you will ever lower yourself to purposeful and/or public polo wearing.

No human is worth that.

14 8 / 2012

Well what do we have here.

Looks like Robert Pattinson has finally emerged. And I must say, for being smack dab in the middle of one of the world’s most publicized break-ups, he looks pretty good.

I mean he doesn’t have that Edward Cullen glow or anything, but it seems he’s brushed his teeth and his hair in the same day. Which must mean he’s at least somewhat emotionally stable.

No word yet from his (possible/probable) ex, Kristen Stewart. Although I’ve heard she’s been spending her days ducking in and out of a local Golds Gym.

So basically she went from dating one of Hollywood’s most coveted men, to working out in a gymnasium frequented by Arnold Schwarzenegger?

That’s actually kind of impressive. In a really tragic way.

Anyways. Way to go Rob, for thrusting yourself back into the media so soon after heartbreak. And—for not lowering yourself to daily workouts at a co-ed facility open to the public.

You’re way too rich good for that.

25 7 / 2012

Okay let’s get one thing straight.

I am totally anti-Twilight. Never read a page. I don’t know why? I think it has something to do with my irrational fear of vampires dating all the way back to Sesame Street’s Count von Count.

But even I know that your’e not supossed to cheat on Edward Cullen.

That’s exactly what Kristen Stewart did though. The other man? Oh I almost don’t even want to type this…her Snow White and the Huntsman director, Rupert Sanders.

You have to admit, that’s ballsy. 

I firmly believe that if & when two emotionless souls find their way to one another, no man should ever break that up.

To Rob, I express my deepest sympathies. And to Kristen, well, I say good luck trying to outrun the millions of women who now want your head on a pretty little platter.

If I were you I would start running like, yesterday.

13 7 / 2012

Now I don’t usually consider myself a superstitious person.

But here is some cold hard proof that weird & unexplainable occurrences happen on Friday the 13th.

In case you don’t know what you’re looking at here, this is Kristen Stewart.

Showing emotion.

See what I’m saying? Freaky.

But by all means, believe whatever you want.