03 1 / 2013

Look. I’m a pretty patient person.

But how long am I going to have to wait for Suri Cruise to debut her clothing line?

What is she waiting for anyways, her 7th Birthday?

10 10 / 2012

Suri Cruise does a better Blair Waldorf than Blair Waldorf herself.

And then of course there’s Katie. Who is wearing leggings as pants and forgot to brush her hair.

So we’ll just go ahead and call her Serena.

03 9 / 2012

Look, Katie Holmes.

I’m sure that after years of traveling with Tom Cruise via his private jet, you must be kind of unsure as to what public transportation is.

But let me assure you, this is not it.

Get off the rusty merry go round. Now.

And take your daughter with you, before someone mistakes her for Honey Boo Boo.

03 8 / 2012

Writing about the Oylmpics is way more exhausting than actually participating in them.

I’m guessing here?

So for a change of pace, let’s talk about who Katie Holmes could possibly be talking to.

Is she checking up on young Suri? Making sure her father isn’t filling her head with Scientology talk while on vacation in Florida?

Or maybe she’s on the phone with her stylist. Demanding an answer as to why she was forced to wear that truly awful cardigan.

OR, my personal favorite, could she be talking to Joshua Jackson, Planning a secret trip to Capeside where they hop aboard the True Love and never ever return?

Well she is smiling. So that safely rules out the cardigan call. And Suri is way too busy dressing up as the Little Mermaid to possibly have time for a chat. So, I guess that leaves Joshua!

Okay that was kind of exhausting too. Back to womens soccer? Yes I think so.

16 7 / 2012

Oh good grief Katie.

Her parents just got divorced. Are you seriously going to deny Suri a puppy right now?

Fine. But just know that your parenting skills will forever be in question.

Along with your possession of a beating heart.

14 7 / 2012

Sharpen your pencils, Suri Cruise.

Rumor has it that Katie Holmes has enrolled her daughter in Manhattans’s prestigious Convent of the Sacred Heart. The institution’s alumnae include Lady Gaga & Nicky Hilton.

Doesn’t get more prestigious than that.

Nevertheless. TomKat’s daughter who has until now, been homeschooled, will reportedly begin classes in September. To the tune of $38,000 a year.

Something tells me Suri shouldn’t even waste her time filling out a FAFSA form.

29 6 / 2012

In case you haven’t heard—which would be impossible unless you were in a rocket ship on your way to Saturn. And even then you’ve probably heard. Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes are headed for divorce.

I have thought really hard about this, and all I can say is that I wish the best for both of them during this difficult period of their lives.

Oh and also:

  • How could you do this? To me? To Suri? To Oprah?
  • Katie do not worry there is someone out there taller than you who will love you for who you are.
  • Someone like Joshua Jackson.
  • Long live Joey & Pacey!
  • Also when can we expect your tell-all book?
  • You will be writing a tell-all book, right?
  • Tom let’s name your next movie MARRIAGE:IMPOSSIBLE.
  • WHO WILL TAKE SURI TO BALLET CLASS?

Okay.

So maybe I had a little more to say regarding this subject than I originally thought.