POP FICTION

I don’t mean to be dramatic here.

But DRAW THE SHADES. LOCK THE DOORS. CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS FOR THE WEEK.

Jef Holm and Emily Maynard have ended their relationship and I simply cannot go on.

I feel this break up in the pit of my stomach, you know? I had such high hopes for these two.

Now my hopes are lying in the dirt, discarded and trampled upon just like Emily’s Neil Lane engagement ring.

That better not be true because that thing was a work of ART.

Until further notice, please. No visitors. No light—natural or artificial. No food.

Well. Actually. I am able to keep down chocolate now. Thanks to Beyonce’s Superbowl Halftime announcement.

A glimmering light of hope in this cruel and deceitful world!

So bring the chocolate. But that is all.

And do NOT ring my doorbell.

Jemily is the real deal you guys!

Days after the entire nation watched Bachelorette Emily Maynard give her final rose to Jef Holm, the two jetted off to Ghana to visit villages were new fresh water wells have been installed by his company, People Water.

Gotta say, I never pegged Emily as the wilderness type.

But Jef says his lady wasn’t one to sit on the sidelines. Apparently she brought a huge suitcase full of toys to give to the village children.

Looks like she also brought along a huge suitcase full of cosmetics.

What? You think she’s just naturally glowing because she’s in love or something?

Okay sure. We’ll go with that.

Whether it’s natural or just a really good BB cream, these two seem pretty happy. Which is all we can really ask for.

Except for a televised wedding.

And babies! Where are the BABIES.

I’m just coming out of an icing induced coma and it’s all Emily Maynard’s fault.

Last night I spent 3 hours of my life watching the final steps of her journey unfold on national television & all I have to show for it is three empty cans of Betty Crocker icing.

For those of ya’ll who don’t know—and this doesn’t count as a spoiler because you’ve had over 10 hours to watch it for yourselves—Emily picks Jef! And Jef picks Emily. And Ricki picks Monkey.

There is a scary huge Neil Lane sparkler & a heartbroken European race car driver somewhere in all of that, but you get the gist of it.

Yep. Jef & Emily are now engaged & have announced their plans to travel to Africa together & get married in an authentic village ceremony & adopt an entire orphanage of babies.

Ugh I wish. Everything except the Africa trip is a lie okay. Don’t believe me. It’s the icing talking.

How are we feeling about the outcome? You know me—I’m still hoping Sean Lowe will show up in the African wilderness & save Emily from a lion & whisk her away to a place where there is cable TV and Starbucks.

But if that isn’t an option then whatever. I guess Jef was the obvious choice.

Congrats to the happy couple & I’m going to need more icing if I ever plan to make it through this day.

Did I say icing? I meant—well yeah I meant icing.

I’m in the pickle of all pickles.

I don’t know how this happened or who is responsible—but tonight I have been forced to choose between The Bachelorette finale, and the Teen Choice Awards.

Basically it’s just a question of which I would rather spend three hours doing: staring at Emily Maynard’s velveteen skin & twinkling veneers, or witnessing Demi Lovato make one questionable fashion choice after another. 

The answer should seem obvious but I just can’t decide. I’ve even made a list of pros & cons which was no help at all because both programs came out dead even.

I think at this point though, I’m leaning towards The Bachelorette. It just seems like the classier choice.

By that I mean there will be no appearances by a Jersey Shore cast member.

Am I missing something here?

Because the 64th Primetime Emmy Award nominees were announced this morning, and the Bachelor franchise was nowhere to be found.

Don’t get me wrong, the list was impressive. I mean my word, Mad Men & American Horror Story nabbed 17 nominations each. (For complete list see www.emmys.com) But surely one or two of those were meant for Chris Harrison, right?

Every year Bachelor nation gets snubbed. And every year I don’t understand why.

This is TV at it’s finest.

Roses. Helicopters. Attractive people with absolutely no control over their emotions.

I don’t understand what more you people want.

I’ve never been one to get too involved in politics. But I’m starting a campaign ya’ll.

The cause that has captured my heart? SEAN LOWE FOR BACHELOR 2013.

The most recently booted of Emily Maynard’s suitors, Sean is the perfect candidate for the job. He’s like this adorable, loyal, cheerful all-American golden retriever.

With six pack abs.

If this man is not the next Bachelor, I mean whatever. That’s fine. I’ll just do what any other politician would do.

Boycott the guy who is chosen & spend all my time making up lies about him.

So now that all of that is understood, how does one start a campaign? I know I’m going to need some pickets & a sharpie. And some cookies decorated with Sean’s face. Oh and badges.

Oh! And a megaphone. Yes. Definitely going to need a megaphone.

VOTE FOR SEAN OR I’LL FORK YOUR LAWN.

(That’s my slogan.)

Did anyone else catch this week’s episode of The Bachelorette?

Did anyone else wonder if ABC is paying Emily Maynard a pretty penny for each individual tear she sheds? She cries so much you guys. Can someone please explain to me why she is so sad?

Is it because she has three amazing men vying for her hand in marriage?

Or possibly because she’s been forced to wear an Aurelio Costarella maxi skirt that probably cost more than Ricki’s first year of college?

Or, could it be because both of these things are taking place on the beautiful island of Curacao?

You know. Now that I’ve really thought about it, I can see why she’s so upset.

Someone get this woman more Kleenex. On the double.