04 4 / 2013

We all know how I feel about Kate and her coats.

They make my speakers go boom-boom and stuff if you’re new around here.

But this one missed the mark for me. Don’t get me wrong I love the tartan print. (A clear nod to Scotland, where she & Will kicked off a 2-day tour this morning!)

But I do not love the Kardashian-length hem.

And I just feel like this coat is squishing her bump, you know? Let the little gal breath!

Or it could be a guy. I guess. Ugh.

12 1 / 2013

If my portraitist portrayed me one lip injection away from Angelina Jolie’s evil(er) twin, I’d subtly give him the bird too.

06 12 / 2012

Duchess Kate has left the building.

The hospital building, that is. She was discharged this morning around 10:45 (London time) and was then whisked away by her prince to their cottage on the grounds of Kensington Palace, where she will remain for a period of rest.

And really, apart from looking a bit pale, Kate looked no worse for wear after spending 4 days in the hospital.

I mean of course incessant vomiting agrees with her?

This marks the end of the royal bump watch for a while, as I’m assuming Kate will stay holed up for a bit of R&R. But fingers crossed that she’ll be feeling up to attending next week’s London premiere of The Hobbit!

Until then, I’m going to start forming & laminating my list of Top 10 Royal Baby Names.

Educated guesses, obviously.

05 12 / 2012

I guess we should have seen this coming.

Forensic artist (that’s a thing, did you know?) Joe Mullins has generated these images of what the royal baby may look like.

Of course at this point the child’s feet are still webbed and it doesn’t even have eyelids.

But there’s no harm in guessing, right?

Right. Just like there’s no harm in turning these little guys into 16x20 canvas paintings to go above my mantle either.

03 12 / 2012

Okay look.

Will & Kate’s royal baby annoucement has left me in cardiac arrest/tears/wet pants, so I’m really in no condition to be writing. But I figure the least I can do is compile a simple list of thoughts for us all to dwell on.

  • Obviously the most important question. Boy or girl? Is it too much to ask for twins?
  • Wait if it IS twins…who is the rightful heir? Drama.
  • There is a royal baby live blog. You need to know about this.
  • What is the likelihood of this child having red hair?
  • Jessica Simpson’s eventual pregnancy announcement is not going to matter AT ALL. (!!!)
  • That’s what happens when you make the world wait an entire human gestational period before you even confirm you’re with child. I digress.
  • Can you imagine the royal baby showers? Tea for two!
  • I wish I had an Aunt Pippa.
  • Reports say Kate is NOT going to hire a nanny. Someone come pull me out of the heap of rubble that is my shattered dreams.
  • I’ve already pre ordered one of everything from the Temperley for Two maternity line. Just for safe measure.

Alright. If you’ll excuse me I need to go change my pants.

28 11 / 2012

Well.

I was really hoping that Kate’s next major life change would have been a child.

But I’ll take fringe bangs.

I mean if you think about it they’re almost the same. Both require lots of patience & work, and most of the time they never do what you want them to.

09 10 / 2012

Enough already, Kate.

WE GET IT. Your outerwear collection deserves it’s own museum exhibit.

I mean forget the Crown Jewels. I’d take this gray Reiss Angel coat over them all.

And yes that includes the Cullinan Diamond.

Oh. Um wow. I guess now that I’ve admitted to all of you that I would refuse a 530 carat diamond just to own this coat, I should go rethink some things.

But wait, wait, wait.

What if I could take HALF the diamond, and the coat?

I could deal with that.

21 9 / 2012

The Daily Mail wants to know if I would pay €2,000 for a slice of Prince William & Kate’s wedding cake.

Oh. Not only would I pay WELL over that amount, but I would preserve my slice of cake in a sapphire encrusted safe. 

For the rest of time. 

Or, until I gave birth to my first daughter. Whom I would obviously name Catherine. 

And on her 5th birthday, I would cover the child in that sacred buttercream icing, and offer her up as a sacrifice to the royal gods. 

Um. I think what I’m trying to say here is yes. Yes I would.

The Daily Mail wants to know if I would pay €2,000 for a slice of Prince William & Kate’s wedding cake.

Oh. Not only would I pay WELL over that amount, but I would preserve my slice of cake in a sapphire encrusted safe.

For the rest of time.

Or, until I gave birth to my first daughter. Whom I would obviously name Catherine.

And on her 5th birthday, I would cover the child in that sacred buttercream icing, and offer her up as a sacrifice to the royal gods.

Um. I think what I’m trying to say here is yes. Yes I would.

13 9 / 2012

Well. I know what I’M going to be for Halloween this year.

I mean, I was planning on dressing up as Gabby Douglas.

But that will simply have to wait.

I think I just heard the entire world just let out a collective sigh of relief.

All of my Gabby plans were thrown out the window the moment I saw Kate attend a formal dinner hosted by Malaysia’s head of state in this custom made Alexander McQueen gown.

(Who cares if it’s white. It is that gorgeous.)

Now the only problem is, I doubt I can get my hands on/fit my hips into the real thing.

So I’m going to need a skilled seamstress to make me a replica. Any takers?

Someone speak up please. Before I’m forced to roam the darkened streets in a hot pink velvet leotard.

13 9 / 2012

Welcome back to the 8DOK! (Eight Days of Kate ya’ll!)

Today we will discuss Kate wearing Alexander McQueen while visiting Gardens By The Bay in Singapore.

Obviously this is a conflict of interest for me, because I consider Kate a personal fashion icon. But I also believe, wholeheartedly, that wearing white after Labor Day was accidentally left off the list of the seven deadly sins.

I’ve given this a lot of thought, and have come to the conclusion that we should let Kate off the hook on this one. I mean, this sacred rule of southern women is not recognized and certainly not adhered to once you cross over the Mason-Dixon Line.

So how could poor Kate, all the way on a separate CONTINENT, possibly understand the crime she has just committed?

Exactly. She could never. So let’s all just relax. And get up out of her royal grill.

AND, start raising awareness about No White After Labor Day, in hopes that the news may reach Buckingham Palace before this happens again.